Oh, yes. A WAR is brewing...

[persephone33]

I have a new enemy.

No, it isn't dolphins.  Or bunnies.  Or even my current nemeses of autumn, the effing squirrells who leave half-eaten shards of pecans all over the patio so that when I go out to feed her royal highness, Katie Bell, at dark thirty in the morning, I have do to a weird hop-dance thing and make noises that sound like I'm walking on hot coals.  (Wear shoes, you may suggest?  Shut up.  It's early, and I haven't even opened my eyes at this point.  Go solve your own problems.)

But I digress.  I've never had what you'd call a friendship, per se, with this entity, but for the past year or so, we've had a mutual respect, neither of us going too far out of the way to piss each other off.  This morning, though, the proverbial gauntlet, as it were, was thrown down so loudly, that it echoed through the house.

I am at war with the bathroom scale.  

I hadn't spent much time with him lately, and so maybe he was hurt that  he's been left to gather dust underneath the cabinet in the master bathroom.  I get that.  But this weekend, when I went into my closet and pulled out a pair of really cute chocolate brown capri pants from last fall, I was, let's say, concerned with the way I had to suck in to button them.  I sadly hung them back in the closet, and picked out another pair of pants (The size of which is a number I really don't care for), and went about the rest of the day.  This morning, after feeding the dog and dodging the pecans (!), I went into the bathroom to check the damage on mt feet and saw him lurking there, with kind of a smug look on his face.  I took him out, dusted him off, and smiled awkwardly at him.  After all, we hadn't spoken in months.  What was I supposed to say?  

I stepped on and stepped back off again so quickly it must've looked like I was burned.  My hands flew to my open mouth, horrified that he would betray me like that.  The conversation went something like this:

Me.  Have you gone off your meds?  Are you crazy?  This can't be right!

Bathroom Scale.  "..."

Me.  I'm going to try this one more time.  Maybe you're rusty from all those weeks off.  I'm sorry about that, by the way (Carrie laughs sheepishly)

Bathroom Scale.  "..."

(Carrie steps on, gasps in horror again and steps back off)

Bathroom Scale.  (sneers and laughs evilly)

Me.  Fine.  Fine.  It's on, then.  I'll own you by November.  Bitch.

Bathroom Scale.  (rolls eyes)

Nolan.  Who are you talking to?

Me.  (kicks bathroom scale back under the cabinet)  No one! 

And I will.  My stubbornness far outweighs (pardon the pun) his.  By Thanksgiving, He'll wish he'd never been so smug.
 

Comments

[maureen.livejournal.com]

Bwahahaha! I'm right there with you.

"I'll own you by November. Bitch."

I love it.

[persephone33.livejournal.com]

You watch. I'm gonna kick his butt.

[maureen.livejournal.com]

I believe you! In fact, you've inspired me muchly this morning and I've recommitted myself to a diet and exercise program that has worked really well for me in the past. I'm going to get on my dreaded scale when I get home, so as to have a starting point.

So, I'd like to formally declare my desire to serve as a volunteer in your army. For this war. Have any good positions open?

[persephone33.livejournal.com]

First lieutenant? Locked & loaded, ready for action.

[kristibisci.livejournal.com]

Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! I want to join up, too!

[persephone33.livejournal.com]

Sargent At Arms? Your job will be to shoot said scale if he gets lippy again.

[maureen.livejournal.com]

First Lt. it is! I hope I get to blow something up. Maybe my scale eventually.

Great icon...it was the best day ever.

I had a big, healthy salad (with no bread or crutons) at lunch. Thought of you.

[justduchess.livejournal.com]

You are SO made of pure W.I.N.!

[persephone33.livejournal.com]

We'll see.

I worked a little on LM/BL fic this weekend. It's getting there!

[justduchess.livejournal.com]

Well...you are, lol!

o0o0o0, I had forgotten about that. 0.o
Yay for a ficlet!

[jandjsalmon.livejournal.com]

LOL. I would admit defeat... so it's nice to see you have some fighting spirit left... GO CARRIE! ;)

[persephone33.livejournal.com]

I can't let something with sensors, numbers and a smug attitide win!

[rainpuddle13.livejournal.com]

Awwah, the cute little squirrel is just snacking! *points to icon* Isn't he cute?

I don't have any trees of note in my yard, thusly I have no squirrels. That and there are tons of outdoor cats about.

*pats*

[persephone33.livejournal.com]

Maybe I should get an outdoor cat. If squirrels didn't have the fluffy tails, they would SO be exterminated. They also throw pecans at my head. I think they actually aim. And they taunt Katie. I have no love for the squirrels.

[kristibisci.livejournal.com]

I know all about that particular war... You'll get your just desserts...er...Just vegetables?

[persephone33.livejournal.com]

That's about right.

Ah, if only phen-phen didn't cause massive heart attacks...

[mugglechump.livejournal.com]

It causes an odd sort of guilty feeling to laugh so hard while reading about your War on a Grand Scale. /really bad pun You're funny, though, so I can't really help it. I do sympathize. My bathroom scale taunted me with smaller numbers and then jacked them up on me all of a sudden with stupid
comments like 'do you really need to finish the Haagen Daaz in two days' and 'maybe you could lay off the venti Cinnamon Dolce lattes'.

My friend Pam says that squirrels are just rats who figured out if they grew a bushy tail people would think they're cute.

[persephone33.livejournal.com]

'War on a grand scale' = me laughing hard!

But the venti cinnamon dolce lattes are sooooooooo good. Even the sugar free ones. :)

Your friend Pam is a smart, smart woman. Keep her around.

[dragonsangel68.livejournal.com]

Go you! That bathroom scale should be shaking in his boots!

I don't have pecans, but I do have naked half tennis balls that look like mice at around dark thirty ;)

[persephone33.livejournal.com]

'Half naked tennis balls' sounds vaguely naughty. But I may need some sleep.

ANYTHING that looks like a mouse is NOT okay. Especially if you aren't fully awake yet. *nods*

[dragonsangel68.livejournal.com]

I think you need some sleep *pats* or it could be that being the who has to pick up all the green fuzz from the patio, after the dog has mercilessly stripped the poor ball of its dignity, the naughtiness just isn't apparent ;P

[dieloreley.livejournal.com]

*gasps in horror* Me and my bathroom scale are taking a break. We're reanalyzing our relationship at the start of October. If he's good, I'll actually dust him when I clean the bathroom. If he's not, I'm going for a heeeell of a lot more runs. Maybe I'll do that anyway because I'm kinda scared of the number he'll show me. But after reading what a neglected scale is capable of doing, I'm a bit apprehensive. *casts nervous glance towards bathroom*

*tucks an assortment of knifes under clothing* Old-fashioned weapons amateur master at the ready, Cap'n Carrie, ma'am!

[persephone33.livejournal.com]

Mine's in league with the tape measure and the mirror. He's crafty. I may have to take drastic measures.

[rayneday.livejournal.com]

Shhhhhhhhhhh you guys...I just overheard my scale and I think they are ALL up to something. Currently, mine is up to 152...oh, weight.....that's me.
Har har.

I'm still hiding it in the closet, as I am pretty sure it can't open doors. Mostly sure. Hopefully sure.

[persephone33.livejournal.com]

Blockade the door, just in case.